i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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