Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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