No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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