you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
