you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
