I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
