I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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