I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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