It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
