just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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