I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
