I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
