I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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