I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he fucked my hip out of place.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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