look no pants
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
