tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
