Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
