I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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