Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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