If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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