If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
