before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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