it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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