When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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