Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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