I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
