You made me cry and you don't even care
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
