Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
