There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
