she looked like the bat from fern gully.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I will be naked everywhere
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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