A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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