I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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