You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
