god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
