woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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