I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
