meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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