Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
