I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
