Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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