Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
