i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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