Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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