The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
