I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
