my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
