Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
