I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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