i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
