The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
