What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
