Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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